Top 100 Coolest Funny Quotes and Sayings in English 2020

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100 Coolest Funny Quotes and Sayings in English

1. God is really creative, I mean... just look at me 😛

2. Don’t kiss behind the garden, Love is blind but the neighbors are not.

3. I always dream of being a millionaire like my friend!

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He’s dreaming too :D

4. Maybe some bad actions have good consequences !

5. I'm trying to die but I can't. I need to be Cinderella.

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6. If at first you don’t succeed...

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Skydiving is not for you!

7. Always borrow money from a pessimist...

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He won’t expect it back.

8. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

9. Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

10. By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

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11. Don’t steal. That’s the government’s job.

12. The winner of the rat race is still a rat.

13. If Monday had a face, I would punch it.

14. All my life a thought air was free... until I bought a bag of chips.

15. You have the perfect face for radio.

16. People said to follow your dreams so I went back to bed.

17. How can I miss something I never had?

18. If I agreed with you we both were wrong.

19. If nobody hates you, then you are doing something boring.

20. When your phone are 1% battery and anyone who sends a message, or calling, becomes the enemy...

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21. Every problem comes with some solution... if it doesn’t have any solution, it’s a Girl!

22. I wish my parents were like Google... they should understand me even before I complete...

23. Dear Lord, there is a bug in your software... it's called #Sunday, please fix it!

24. I want my Girlfriend like Google, She will understand me better.

25. My room is not messy; it is an obstacle course designed to keep me fit.

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26. Sometimes all you need is love. Lol, just kidding, you need money :’)

27. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

28. I live in a world of fantasy, so keep your reality away from me!

29. Everything funnier when your supposed to be quiet..

30. Don’t kiss behind the garden, Love is blind but the neighbors are not.

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31. I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

32. Am gonna Make my status... better you too focus on your status only.

33. I am currently experiencing life at the rate of 15 WTF’s every hours

34. If people are talking behind your back, then just fart.

35. If relationship between man and women were shoes, I'd wear you out. But I wouldn't wear you out in public.

36. With all this technology above and under, humanity still hunts down one another.

37. A man is as young as the woman he feels.

38. Looks like I over-estimated the number of your brain cells.

39. You’re just jealous because the voices are talking to me.

40. Behind every great man, there is a surprised woman.

41. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather...

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Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

42. Friction is a drag.

43. Silence is Golden. Duct tape is Silver :3

44. Please be patient even a toilet can handle only one ass hole at a time.

45. They pretend to pay me. I pretend to work!

46. Even if you are a mass murderer, International rogue,and children Abductor,People Will Still bless you "continue to be who you are" in your birthday.

47. I saw a shampoo with the title: "Rich-looking" So I washed my purse ..

48. Most of the fruits I know now and did not know were existed - Is only because of the shampoo.

49. I have a Impudent neighbor Knocking on my door at 2AM He's lucky I was in a drum lesson...

50. Yesterday I saw someone pushing a bottle of Schweppes into his ass, I said, "What are you doing ?!" He replied: "Schweppes: Drink Different.."

51. While I was driving my Audi, the alarm woke me up.

52. While you’re looking for a Remote... You don’t trust anybody.

53. The reason I’m fat coz a thin body could not handle my personality.

54. Love’s nothing for a tennis player.

55. The early bird might get the worm, but the 2nd mouse will surely get the cheese.

56. Brain is the best worker, when you can use it...

57. High power come, with high voltage current!

58. It only takes one person to make you a millionaire.

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It's You!

59. Whatsapp users never die but they just go offline.

60. I'm not lazy, I'm on energy saving mode.

61. If life gives you lemons, just add vodka.

62. If at first, you don’t succeed… Keep flushing.

63. After getting drunk, bachelor of technology turns philosophy master of bricks.

64. IF you you're open minded; your brains will fall out.

65. Of course size matters. No one wants a small pizza.

66. Congratulations!!My tallest finger want to give you a standing ovation.

67. Don’t be too optimistic. The light at the end of the tunnel may be another train.

68. WoW! now I’m a graduate... Now thermometer is not the only thing that has degrees without brains.

69. If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?

70. I don’t make mistakes, I date them.

71. I know I’m not perfect, I’m vintage, which means my flaws make me priceless!

72. I’m fluent in three languages: English, Sarcasm, and Profanity.

73. Dear chairs, I know you get more ass, but I get more head. Sincerely, Pillows.

74. Edward isn’t a vampire. He lives in a forest. He doesn’t eat people & he sparkles. HE IS OBVIOUSLY A FAIRY.

75. First I played hard to get, now he is playing hard to forget.

76. When life gives you lemons, add vodka, and throw a party.

77. Going to school with 10 pens and coming home with only

one.

78. “You look pretty today.” … Was I ugly yesterday?

79. The only reason your girlfriend likes your dick is because her mom told her to enjoy the little things in life.

80. I tried sniffing coke once, but the ice cubes kept getting stuck in my nose.

81. Money doesn’t buy happiness, but it pays my internet… which is almost the same thing.

82. I hate it when some people call me insane or crazy. I prefer the phrase mentally hilarious.

83. You never know what you have until… you clean your room.

84. Of course I talk to myself. I need to have an intelligent conversation every now and then.

85. I believe in love at first sight, I experience it EVERY time I got to the mall.

86. I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop making me angry.

87. Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.

88. If people could read my mind, I’d get punched in the face a lot.

89. When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

90. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

91. Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else :D

92. I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.

93. Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid...

94. I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.

95. Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.

96. Don’t let life get in the way of your dreams… go back to sleep!

97. Laughing at your own texts before you send them because you’re so damn funny.

99. We all have that one friend who we greet with an insult.

100. My friend thought that an onion was the only food that could make you cry, so I threw a watermelon at his face.

Keep smiling friends :)

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